◯ eClips: Still
Tonight’s full moon rises just a few days before the longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. This is a time of protracted shadows and enduring darkness. A time for sitting in the moonlit lull as the sun “stands still” and then begins its slow return. Over the coming week, I’ll be lighting candles, drinking cocoa, and reading a long novel — and the next time I write to you, minutes of daylight will already be inching their way back in. Wherever you are and whatever weather you’re having, I hope you’re able to slow down and stay safe and warm.
“If we’re all wrong about everything, the life so short and the craft so long to learn, the assay so hard, so sharp the conquering, the dreadful joy that passes so quick and then being left alone again, what I mean is love astonishes my feeling with its wonderful working so ardently so painfully that when I’m thinking about such certainty I don’t know like the earth if I’m floating or sinking.” —Bernadette Mayer, from Midwinter Day
◯ Midwinter Day by Bernadette Mayer: Bernadette Mayer’s famous long poem written over the span of a day, “as Alice Notley noted, ‘is an epic poem about a daily routine.’”
◯ Cleopold, Lenka, Animal Feelings — Seasons: “As it breaks / The summer will wake / But the winter will wash what is left / Of the taste”
◯ Rhythm / Devotion of Jessika: From “a series of interviews intended to illuminate the connection to ritual & rhythm in our daily lives.”
◯ Turn the News Into a Rose: You can make paper flowers as elaborate or a simple as you’d like. A simple bloom is a good place to start.
◯ Black Beatles: R&B Covers 1963-1972: Black artists interpret the music of the Fab Four.
◯ An Anarchist Quaker’s Prayer to Soothe Anxiety: “We are each one person, breathing this one breath, with common Divinity.”
◯ The mystery of finishing: “While I think knowing why we make things is an important part of our practice, I also think that question can completely block us from surrendering to the outcome, which is often so beyond what we can dream of.”
◯ Radiooooo: The Musical Time Machine
Spotlight: Sarah Kirkpatrick
Sarah Kirkpatrick is a queer soft-hearted skin-care connoisseur who’s obsessed with her friends and invested in deep love. Sarah and I met five years ago this week, thanks to her ex who thought we might get along. We told him to prove it, he introduced us, and we’ve been tight-knit through thick and thin ever since.
We’re celebrating five years of friendship, did you know that?
I did, because we figured out what year it was and now it’s a recurring event in my phone calendar.
I know. But — five years!
I know. It’s like, we went to college together, and then have had our first year out of school together.
Yeah! I do often think of you as just being present throughout my entire life.
Oh, my god. I insert you in moments and places that you have never been. I want to be like, “Amanda, remember when this person did this?” And then I’m like, “Just kidding!” In my heart, you’ve always been with me though.
I feel the same way. And I’m so glad we’re not having a winter like last one, where we have to talk to each other on the porch or on Zoom all the time.
I know. It’s so nice to be cozy with you.
So what are your thoughts and feelings about winter, typically?
I feel like winter’s always kind of a mixed bag for me. I feel like winter, to me, has always been much more romantic than summer, even though people love summer. But of course, there is also the battle of seasonal depression and almost constant darkness. But I’ve kind of felt like things shine brighter in the winter. Not that friendships don’t feel important in all times of the year, but I feel like when it’s dark out, it can just feel like — I mean, you know, we can go 90 days without sunshine, and your friends kind of become those beacons of light in your life. As you know, I’m going through a breakup, and I think just being able to surround myself with light and warmth and all of that is so nice. And again, it feels brighter and warmer in the winter. But also, I love cuddling up with a honey on the couch, you know?
Yeah. Other than spending time with friends, what are some traditions or rituals or things you’re doing to bring in that brightness?
Well, I’m seeing my family this weekend. My parents — I guess “family” makes it sound like I’m in a big family when I’m definitely not. But of course, seeing the family, being able to be in a space that I grew up in and going to the Walker Art Museum, and probably the Mall of America. [laughs] And just places that felt very important to me in my youth and have obviously transformed in different ways. I mean, the Mall of America is so much bigger now, and I don’t remember where all the stores are — I know you hate malls, but I love malls — and, I don’t know, going to the Walker Art Museum, which I’ve been going to since my parents would drop me off, and I would be like 15 or 16, and feeling like, “Wow, look at all this cool modern art.” That feels really nice.
I think most people use way more candles in the winter, it kind of just creates an ambience. Much more aesthetic lighting, ambient lighting. I do have a tradition with my parents where there’s these characters named “the elves” — and I shouldn’t say they’re named elves, because that’s not their name, they’re literally elves. They’re four little ceramic and metallic — their bodies are made out of a tinsel material — elves that my grandmother gave my father when they were in Italy in the late 50s, early 60s. And in my childhood, my dad would write me notes from the elves. So, starting on December 1st, I would get these little notes from Urie, Gary, Ricky, and Willy. And they were just always very sentimental, and when I was a kid, I’d get, like, a little small gift leading up to the holidays, and then as I’ve gotten older, they give me more advice than physical gifts. And I still at Christmas get a card from them, which feels really sweet and tender.
And then, something that has always stuck with me that my church did growing up is we had a solstice celebration. And in Minneapolis, there’s this theater company that’s called Heart of the Beast Theater that makes these giant 12-foot puppets, and they use them also for the May Day parade, but we got two of them for solstice, or at least we did a couple of times when I went to the service. One of them’s a giant glittery moon, and then the other one is the sun, but the sun has this glow-in-the-dark material, so it shines really brightly, and everyone sings “Here Comes the Sun.” And it’s just, like, this very sweet thing that has really stuck with me, and I always on the Solstice will listen to that song.
I love that! Can I join you in that this year?
Yeah, I would love if you did that with me!
Wow, that is so sweet. And I love the elves, and that your parents brought the love letter tradition in for you. And I have no idea if that’s where you loving to give letters and tokens and things comes from, but …
I mean, my mom is someone that, every time there was, like, any type of holiday, she would get us gifts. She’d be like, “Valentine’s Day, here’s five gifts each!” Or St. Patrick’s Day … she just loves giving gifts.
My dad would get really into the holidays too, and on Christmas morning growing up, he would — of course, I’d put out cookies and carrots — and he would gnaw on the carrots and eat the cookies, but one of the things he would do was he would create these boot prints by the fireplace, but made out of glitter, which was just very cool. I was very fortunate to have parents that got so into the holidays and wanted to make it as magical as possible.
Something that we have built a tradition of doing — and maybe I more was joining a tradition you already had — is seeing some type of drag or queer Christmas show every year.
Oh, yeah, of course!
It’s meaningful to me, and it makes me want to ask you, not just in terms of Christmas, but all the time, what drag brings to your life. Participating in that community, witnessing that community, being part of it … I know that’s tradition for you all year round, and I want to hear more about it.
So, I started doing the holiday shows when I first moved to Seattle. Drag is something that brings me a lot of happiness and a lot of joy, and I think that part of that stems from being queer myself, and a lot of times in my life, not feeling like I’ve had a queer community. And when I first moved to Seattle, like, yes, the first couple shows I went to were big productions and all of that, but then I met Scotty [Betty Wetter] at that Super Bowl party in February, I’d lived here for four months at that point, and then I went to a RuPaul’s Drag Race screening at St. John’s when Scotty had just started doing drag, and they came up to me after and were like, “Oh, my god, hi!” And I was like, “Oh, my god, what? Shut up!” And it just kind of continued from there, in that I feel like it has become a space in which, because I do go to drag shows, I do have, as you know, multiple friends that are drag performers, and I think it kind of led to a way for me to engage with queer culture and get to be around more queer people, and that’s something that brings me happiness, because I feel seen. And it’s interesting to see how people bring their ideas of gender and femininity or, you know, not necessarily even femininity, depending on the type of drag you want to do, into that lens point. And also, I love — I don’t know if I should say this — but I love being able to, like, critique in a way that’s all in good fun, because there’s a lot of work that goes into drag. It’s nice to see. And I think that people are also really happy when they’re performing. Even if they’re anxious or nervous, it’s still, like, a part of them, a vulnerable side. So yeah, I think it just brings me a lot of joy because of queer community and people expressing themselves and gender-bending and all of those things.
I love about Seattle drag queens that they are so weird. I just feel like they are so weird and experimental, and when they step into their persona, whether it’s feminized or not, I just feel like I have this sense of, like, “Oh, my god, anybody can be whoever they want to be.” It’s just like, we can all be fucking weird!
Yeah! And then, I mean, we have glamour queens that are just unbelievable, but they still feel like they have this edge to them that not all drag queens have.
How do you bring magic into your life through astrology or crystals or some of these other things that maybe aren’t winter-related but feel magical to you?
So, as you know, I have that wonderful oracle deck from Jessika, and I think that really kind of started my connection with crystals. I just remember — I mean, we were together when we got those tattoos — but I remember she pulled out rose quartz. Which, on one hand, I could say is one of the most, like, everyone knows what — well, not everyone, but people who are into crystals are like, “A rose quartz, love!” — you know? But Jessika’s deck was way more into it, about taking care of yourself, and it’s more like self-love. And I think it just kind of grew from there. I started to create an altar for myself, and how I started that altar was actually just when I was pulling cards from that deck and a crystal would really resonate with me, I would try to find that stone. And then a couple of years ago, when I was feeling in a pretty unhappy place, I started carrying crystals in the little pocket of my jeans — wasn’t that originally for pocket watches or something?
Oh, the little one!
Yeah, the little one. So I had this little ceramic bowl by my bed that has all my pocket crystals in them. So depending on the energy I need that day, I’ll put one in my pocket, or two. And at my desk, I have a carnelian that I’ll hold when I’m feeling stressed or anxious about a meeting or public speaking. And I feel like, sure, on one hand, people could definitely argue they’re minerals from the earth, and who knows if they hold any properties. But that doesn’t matter to me, because it feels grounding to me, and it helps me feel like, especially in times that I’m struggling or sad, it gives me magic. It makes me feel better, and it makes me feel protected, or it makes me feel like I’m getting whatever energy that stone is supposedly going to give.
As you remember, you pulled tiger’s eye from that deck the first, like, five times that you used that deck. And I was like, “There is no frickin’ way that this is just coincidental.” Because it aligned with what you were going through so much then. And now, whenever I see tiger’s eye, I obviously think of you. And I think it’s something you and I participate in together, especially with that deck. That also feels magic. I mean, we always say that we’re cosmically entwined, and that deck, I think, is also very cosmic, and so it just feels like a piece of us in a weird way.
I agree, and I think of you when I see tiger’s eye. And I’ve really come around to not needing any type of “proof” that the stones do something on their own, because it’s kind of an exchange. You’re calling in the desired outcome, you’re spending probably a few more minutes meditating on what you want to pull in by having that rock near you. … I’m literally holding a rock right now.
Cool, what are you holding?
It’s just a rock. Like, a rock-rock. Which, I think, right, it can probably do that same stuff. There’s a meditative power to it.
Absolutely. And I think, yeah, it’s very much like you’re setting your intentions as to what you’re wanting from that stone. Or that crystal, or whatever. And you’re meditating on it and you’re putting that intention out there. And I do think, just in general, when you’re putting out intentions, it’s more likely to progress. I mean, I don’t think anyone could argue differently in that.
People can argue all kinds of things, but we’ll leave them to it.
Yeah, they can do whatever they want.
Something I’m a little more resistant to, though, is-
Astrology!
Astrology! And I’m not fully resistant to it. I just, you know, I want some of the validation it offers while still leaving space open that who I am will change and is not defined. But you’ve been with me on this path, and talking to me about astrology, and I want to know about what it means to you.
I can’t even remember when I started being like, “I’m an Aries.” Maybe it was in college, maybe it was in high school. I just remember always being like, “I’m an Aries.” I think that Aries has this kind of persona and energy behind it that, even if you’re reading a general recap of who an Aries is supposed to be, you know, very fiery, very in charge and kind of dominant, and like a leader, bla bla bla. And that’s something that I don’t think that in most of my life I’ve really resonated with, in the sense that I don’t see myself in that light. So I think that when I really started to be like, “I’m an Aries!” I was kind of trying to make myself feel stronger than I actually feel.
And when I first found out my sun, moon, and rising, as you know, I had an incorrect time. And I’ve always really identified with my moon sign, which is Cancer, because I do feel very emotional and intuitive, and I feel very soft in my emotions. But when I first did it, I was an Aries rising. And I was like, “There’s no freakin’ way.” And I was like, “That’s so weird.” I was like, “No, this can’t be.” And it always just felt off to me. But then I found out that I am a Taurus rising, and that felt much more true to me.
I think that it kind of pushes me into more self-reflection. It feels so multidimensional to me. I get why people are like, “Ugh, astrology.” Or how you’re saying, you know, that you don’t want to be put into this box and that you don’t want people to think you’re specifically one way or another just because of your signs. And I hope that people don’t — I don’t like that either, I think that’s pretty toxic. And just like how I express sadness and how you express sadness might not be the exact same ways, it’s still the same energy behind it. So just because I’m an Aries and someone else is an Aries doesn’t mean we’re going to be the exact same person. It’s going to manifest in ourselves based off of other factors too.
But it is interesting, and I think there’s so much energy outside of the Earth itself, outside of our atmosphere, and the way that, like, the constellations work together and how long people have been studying these energies, and that there are similarities. I mean, seasonal, even — someone that is born in the summer is going to usually have a pretty different personality in terms of environmental things than someone that’s born in the winter. And so when you look at it in an even further-out scope, it’s like, of course energies that are surrounding you, whether it be energies from the cosmos or energies in our society, in specific societies, and in our households, those all play into shaping you. And so, yeah, I think that there is an imprint on everyone whether or not they want to acknowledge it. And for me, it motivates me to reflect more and think about things I want to evolve into and think about things that might be holding me back or things that don’t resonate with me about certain parts.
That’s awesome. I don’t think increased attention or self-reflection could ever be a bad thing. I think there’s so much beauty and possibility within it, and some of those critiques I was naming earlier aren’t specific to astrology, right. They can come up in any spiritual tradition.
Totally. I would say that, since we met, my attention to astrology has grown much deeper, and my understanding of it as well. I do love that we’re “sister signs.”
I do too! And, we were born at the same time … or, well, how do I say that? We were both born at 6:47.
Yeah. I was am and you were pm.
Yep!
It’s nice.
What about — bringing it back down to earth here — plant energetics, are there any plants you’ve found yourself looking at a lot lately or drawn to lately? I know it’s not really a flowery time.
A big reason that I love living in Washington is that it’s green all year round. Every winter, I guess it’s not about a specific plant for me, but it makes me so happy that the grass is green. And that you can smell things growing. Things are continuing to live. There’s always growth happening, and I like that. I like it not being bare all winter long.
I have been going to the market more and getting myself flowers, which is nice and feels good, but I don’t know if there’s a specific plant I’m resonating with right now.
What about plants you feel connected to during seasons when everything’s blooming? What plants carry strong memories or spiritual connections for you?
I would say I feel really connected to chamomile. Prior to this last summer, I don’t think I realized what a chamomile flower looked like or that we had so many of them around Seattle. They’re so cute and little, and I feel like they look like little fairy kisses. But I’ve always loved dahlias a lot too, they have always really enchanted me. And then hydrangeas are gorgeous, and because of all the acidity that’s in the soil in Seattle, the range of colors is, like, hauntingly beautiful. My mom had hydrangeas when I was growing up in my childhood home, and so I always kind of associate them with her, but before moving to Seattle, I’d never seen them in this range before, and even on the same bush, like that periwinkle blue color, and the purples. There’s this softness and warmth to them that radiates — there’s no other plant that comes to mind that has that depth to me.
And I would say, always sweet peas. Sweet peas are my mom’s favorite flower, and I have a tattoo of sweet peas on my body for her. My parents were really big gardeners. Mom actually won a couple of awards for the garden that we had at home. I have memories of my parents spending all Saturday out there working on the garden.
I love flowers! In Seattle, I love kissing flowers, for some reason, and I like when they just have their morning dew on them. Oh, and, of course, roses, because hello, in Seattle they’re everywhere, and they’re so beautiful, and there’s those sunset yellow-golden-pinky ones. I always think of you whenever I see roses, and it’s nice. I feel like when I can be sad in moments or feel alone, flowers always make me feel better, because they remind me that even when life is hard and gross, it’s still very beautiful to be alive and look at these beautiful, enchanting things that just come out of the soil and then are beautiful to us. But then provide pollen to the bees and then the bees do all those other great things. Everything’s connected, but even in connection, something by itself can be admired.
Yes, it’s so beautiful that it’s all a cycle but that in this brief moment you and that flower are encountering one another. I loved going to that rose garden with you and your parents.
I loved that. It always feels like this weird time capsule there, like we could be in 1920, other than the fact that we’re women wearing pants.
Did you know that they take the rose petals and feed them to the zoo animals? The gorillas love them.
That is so sweet and nice.
You sent me a photo of your view of the moon from Minnesota last night. What is your relationship with looking at the moon or paying attention to the moon cycles?
I love the moon! it’s so funny that you’re asking me about this, because last night, I was staring at the moon so intensely, and I don’t know if it’s because of where I’m positioned, but I was like, “Does it look different because of placement in the U.S.?” I’ve never seen it in this shape, or I don’t recall seeing it in this shape!
I’ve always loved the moon, always thought she’s very pretty — we all know the moon is a lesbian. But I feel like you actually got me more into moon phases. But it’s funny, because it does also overlap with astrology, so I feel like the moon is magic for everyone, but I do kind of view the moon as an overlapping of your and my most witchy energies. It’s a nice overlap, in a way, that we both can appreciate the other one’s magic in it and see and value it. But yeah, I just love the moon, she’s so nice.
With my last relationship, I did manifest. I wrote out things I was looking for in a partner, and kind of just talked out loud that evening on that new moon, and coincidentally, the partner that I did find had done the exact same thing. So I do think that the moon guided us to each other, and I think that relationship when it started was a really important relationship and was a sweetness that I was craving, and I think we both brought each other what we were needing. And ultimately, obviously, did not work out. But I think that the moon has such power. She’s so powerful that she literally moves the waves, creates our tides. If it’s so powerful it can move oceans, you have to believe it can move energies inside of you.
What else has being home brought up for you?
It feels so nice to be around my parents and around so many things that are familiar and sweet. While I love spending holidays with chosen family in Seattle, and for most of the official dates of the holidays I am in Seattle, there’s this tenderness in coming back that’s energetically very different around the holidays. Warm and fuzzy in this holiday-cheer way. I know some people don’t feel that way about holidays, and it’s so valid, and I feel like a cheeseball. And I’m not saying I buy into all the holiday gimmicks. But I do like traditions. This year, I got to make my grandmother’s rum cake, which is something that she used to always make and something that I started making during COVID, and I’ve never made it for my parents before. And to have my parents have it, and my dad say, “Your grandmother would be so proud of you, this tastes just like hers.” That means so much to me. My grandmother died when I was 16, so she’s been gone a long time. But it is something that keeps her memory alive, and it makes it feel in a way like she’s still here celebrating with us.
That cake is so good.
I think I’ve almost gotten the recipe down by heart. And my mom made her Greek potatoes that I’ve also been making, and I made those before quarantine. I think the first time that I made them was for Doug one year, and then the Thanksgiving before COVID I made them for Courtney, and this year, Courtney was like, “You better be fucking bringing those Greek potatoes!” So to have made them, and then to come home and have my mom make them, and my mother’s, in my opinion, are way better. I don’t know how she does it. I’m literally like, “I follow your recipe, how does yours taste so much better?” She’s a witch! I don’t know what to say about that! But I do find a lot of comfort in food and tradition and being able to share that with others.